Moving Part 2

If you haven't read part 1, good for you. It wasn't much of a read anyway - but neither will this be. But if you're bored off your ass, keep reading.

There are many theories on moving. I'll try to cover or invent three here. Why three? Well, why not? I mean, just about everything in the bible happens in threes... and if 3 is good enough for God, it's good enough for me.

Theory 1: "Fuck it, let's go."

This is a simple theory that is true to its name. In fact, its name comes from the exact phrase that is often uttered when a couple of guys have just finished strapping a 200 pound dresser to the top of a Gremlin, bottomed it out, and nearly flattened one of the tires. One will look at the other and with all the conviction he can muster, say, "Fuck it. Let's go."
This phrase is also often used by the disgruntled husband who has been subjected to the relentless commands of the "Be Careful With That" wife. We will discuss this theory in more depth after I've exhausted the current topic...
On second thought, "Fuck it. Let's go."

Theory 2: "Be Careful With That"

This theory is more than just a theory. It's also a phrase. A very, very, very, very annoying phrase. Really, did you think I was planning on NOT being careful with it? Do you think I've been sitting around all day plotting and planning and that I am now on the brink of executing my master plan to not be careful? Please. I've had better things to do. Between football and porn, I barely have time to text the girl next door, much less plan on breaking my own shit.
As a theory, "Be Careful With That" is less a method of moving and more a method, often unconscious, for control. Never will you hear the doers utter the phrase. Nay, this phrase only escapes the lips of the bystanders, the orchestrators, the bourgeois. Always remember, allowing them the luxury of this pseudo-control keeps them happy. It is always your right and choice to form an uprising, overthrow the power structures, or refuse to produce... should you so choose.

Theory 3: "I wore flip-flops"

This is a theory employed primarily by helpers or friends. Look, carrying a dresser or desk is bad enough in and of itself - but nobody wants to be the one to walk backwards. This is especially true when you're not even moving your own shit. So, my advice to you (that is, unless you are helping me move) is this: when you are imposed upon to help a "friend" move his shit, wear flip-flops.
You gain 2 intense advantages from this theory. (1) You avoid having to walk backwards, and (2) you subtly punish the imposer for having imposed. You've probably done this subconsciously in the past, but now that you are aware of it, you can apply the theory knowingly and you will get so much more out if the experience.

There you have it. Part 2. Yes it was brief and dim, but at least it was brief.

Moving

if you ask me, the act of moving is one of the most frustrating ventures any household can set themselves to. though people have been doing it for ages, we've yet to discover the proper way to do it. maybe by expressing myself here, I will somehow make next week's move more bearable.
this will be a 3-part mini-series on moving. I'll begin with some of the more frustrating aspects of moving. later, I'll go into some theories of moving Then, I will conclude with whatever I'm thinking when I get to the conclusion.
1) BOXES: roughly put, boxes piss me off. I hate the shape, I hate the smell, I hate the color, I hate the feeling of a dry cardboard box against my skin. really, how could somebody manage to combine so many unattractive and useless qualities together into one product. the only thing product that seems more a mistake than boxes is the Ford Pinto - and the only reason it's worse that the cardboard box is because cardboard boxes don't explode when you bump them. at least they have that going for them.
2) DUST: look, we usually keep a relatively clean house, but one can't clean every corner every day, you know? so I'm here picking up old books off the shelf and moving furniture around and stirring up dust like Bob Marley. what's worse is that the dust morphs from benign to malignant in seconds. one moment it's just sitting there in the corner not bothering anybody and the next, it's flying up, up, up into the air and diving back down like a Japanese Kamikaze pilot coked out of his mind. speaking of that, why didn't we just line our ships with cardboard boxes as a deterrent?
3) SWEAT: look, there are very few good reasons to sweat and moving my shit from one place to another is not one of them. sex is a good reason, but not moving. in fact, if during the act of sex I can somehow manage to NOT move OR sweat, it's heaven. but as much as I hate moving, I'll do it if it means I get to have sex. hell, I'd even go for sweaty sex in a dusty cardboard box...
that's all I got for now. peace.