Dry Humping is For Everyone

I never really considered myself to be an intellectual, really? At best, as sort of collaborator of thoughts or somebody who collects ideas and gathers them into one place, considering each equally based on its own essence and, if able, avoiding placing them into independent categories, is what I am. Or, perhaps nothing more than a fool devoid of any original thought, much less the ability to do much of anything with the thoughts of others. In short, I’m not sure what I am capable of, but I seem to do okay once I get started and, like anyone else, I like to be heard. So, hear me now.

What the fuck? Seriously? Do you ever just take a second and look around at the world around you? No, this isn’t going to be a “starving pixies” monologue. You know, I’m not even sure what it’s gonna be, but It’s pissing me off already. So is almost everything else. Like animals. Animals piss me off, because everywhere they go, there’s drama, eventually. Yeah, they start off all cute and cuddly and you just can’t keep yourself from picking them up and loving on them, but you know deep inside that what started out as friendship is going to end in tragedy.
Any number of things could and will go wrong: 1) pissing in the floor, 2) chewing on shit, 3) scratching furniture, 4) making noise for no reason whatsoever, 5) taking over your bed, 6) demanding attention from your friends… all the sudden it’s not “Hey, Tom! What’s up?”… it’s “OMG, what a cute fucking puppy!”, which is, in some ways beneficial (like having a baby), because the hot chicks at the JC Penny think your just tits, but is mostly, really, just a hassle most days (I like babies, by the way) and you honestly can’t remember why you thought the little bastard was so cute to begin with, why you got it, and what the fuck you’re gonna do with it now.

If that doesn’t happen, i promise you that you will eventually get scratched, bit, humped, jumped on, growled at, or puked on at some point. And that, by itself wouldn’t be too bad, but it’s never by itself, is it? No. it’s always in conjunction with one of the afore mentioned negative aspects (yes, I said “afore” – fuck off), which only magnifies the trauma associated with being humped by a four-legged animal that, like people, just wants to rub it’s private parts all over something.

And that pisses me off, too, because when a dog does it, it’s annoying, but everyone just either pretends it isn’t happening or they excuse it away, like “oh, he’s just in heat”. And, while I’m used to the idea of humping something and it pretending like I’m not there, I really don’t understand why people can’t be more like people where people are concerned, the way they are where animals are concerned. Yeah. Read it again. It makes sense. Because, when a dog or cat is horny, we do everything we can, we scour the earth, we call friends, we put ads in the paper, we do every-fucking-thing we can think of to get the horny bastard laid! But if a guys is humping a table at the bar, he gets thrown out. It’s absurd, really. What we should do to a fucker like that is the same thing we do to dogs that won’t stop humping: cut their balls off.

That’s all I got for now.